Growth in Messy Emotions

"Enduring By Grace Ministries - Hope for the Hurting." Hope for those who are grieving and are dealing with all of the messy emotions. This ministry is for you and me. This ministry is for God's glory. This ministry is birthed from my own hurt, my own pain that I still go through. I still cry. I still miss my mom. It still sucks. I still don't have all of the answers. All I do know is that everything does happen for some reason beyond our humanly finite minds. God has a bigger and greater purpose that goes beyond my emotions. Now, He still cares about what I'm feeling and what I'm growing through - HE IS OUR COMFORTER. I want PURPOSE and GLORY TO GOD to come from this MESSINESS. I want to share a very raw moment with you. This ministry requires my full transparency. So my mom passed away 4 years ago, I got engaged on her birthday this year (6.6.19.), I'm getting married in about 4 months or less, and I've been planning this day without her. I picked out a dress, a location, my theme, and other minor details all without being able to converse with her about it all. Sure, I have other people and family to share this with, but there's still a void that's irreplaceable. I've been real good at turning off my emotions as if it were a light switch or even more so I've been better at unplugging them from the outlet all together. I usually talk about her fine, yet with no emotions - my nana and dad can be talking about her and sad or with tears in eyes yet I'm just there with my emotions turned off just being there for them. Grief comes in waves. The process of grieving is such a raw and humbling experience. Now that I've covered all that - the raw moment. Wedding planning and sending out the save the dates (finally) - that's when it hit me. A swarm of all these emotions and feelings I've been unplugging came. I put ths last stamp on and stepped away from schoolwork and everything else - even my podcast. (These emotions need a time to be expressed even if it means playing catch up later.) I was going to try to be productive again but I decided to be productive in expressing my emotions. I grabbed a notebook and a pen and laid on the bed to write a letter to my mom. (Pictured above) My fiance asked me if I was okay and I said no, but just give me some time to myself for a bit, please. **Note: If you are not the one grieving or hurting in that particular moment let your partner, friend, family member have this time to deal with these emotions. Then you can come check up on them and comfort them as needed.** So I laid down and wrote to her. I wrote all the things I'm feeling. I wrote of my wedding planning. I wrote of the messiness and suckiness. I wrote of how even though this sucks I want God to use me and this ministry journey for His glory. Writing has always been the best way for me to express my emotions - it's good therapy for me. I want to encourage you to find a way that you can express these emotions in a healthy manner whether it be writing, singing, exercise, something that allows you to let it all out. My walls and off switch aren't healthy. I'm still learning. I'm still growing. I want to encourage you to learn and grow in this grieving mess of emotions. After I wrote, my fiance came in and just hugged me and i told him what I was feeling where these emotions came from, what triggered the tears for tonight. I bawled my eyes out even more when I was talking to him (- y'all I was already ugly crying, snot and all during the writing process too). The holidays are coming and then my wedding and whatever comes next, I'm experiencing so much new and so many changes without her here with me and it's alot of emotions and hurt to deal with. I'm so grateful for my God and the fact He provided a good man to be by my side. Again a note to those who are in a relationship with the one grieving, whatever the relationship may be, just be there. You don't have to say the right words because there are no right words; be there, be present, be a safe place for them to cry and express those emotions. That relationship will grow with so much depth and love you couldn't have fathomed. I wrote this to be real and raw. Yes, I'm beginning a ministry based on bringing hope to the hurting - but I'm hurting too and that's okay. We're in this together. I hope Enduringbygrace.com, the ministry's social media, and anything and everything else this ministry is connected to becomes a safe place where we can lay it all out with no restrictions. A safe place to let that wall down and grow together. If you're hurting please send a message for prayer so we can connect with you and pray for you and with you. Please know you're not alone even when it feels like it. I still don't have the right words to say but I do understand levels of hurt, pain, and grief. If you are able, please consider donating to this ministry today or make merchandise purchase so that we can establish this nonprofit ministry and start making an impact together. God bless you. I'm praying for you. ❤

Long Beach, CA, USA

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