I haven’t written much about the grief journey lately, but I thought I should today. I’m going to be transparent like I always have. I haven’t written about it because Ive been doing “good”. Yet, “good” has a different meaning. “How have you and your dad been doing since the passing of your mom? It’s been a couple years now, right?” My reply: “Oh, he’s doing okay. We’re doing good.” I mean I’m doing good compared to the beginning of this journey. I’m good as in I’m getting better at adapting to change and have learned that the hurt of losing my mom is incomparable to the hurt and struggles I’ve encountered before and after. I’m good at appreciating the littlest of moments and practicing thankfulness for what I do have. It’s important to slow down in this busy life and let the ones you love know that you love them when you’re thinking about them. Send that little text even if it may seem silly. It's not silly to let them know you love them.
I’m good at remembering her and embracing the truth that she is with the Lord. I have dreams where she comes back as though nothing ever happened and says, “Well I’m fine now” and I’m left completely bewildered. During these dreams I explain “I had to plan your memorial and sea burial and experienced all of this hurt! But, you’re here?” These dreams reoccur, and I have the reinsurance that she really is fine, in fact way better than fine. I used to allow these dreams to affect my mood during the day after, but now I’m doing good.
I’m good as in I don’t cry every Sunday like I did when she first passed because that was the day we exchanged our last “I love you”. I’m good at reminding myself of grace and forgiveness when I wish I wasn’t such a brat. Satan no longer has authority over me to bring me down into this pity. I have the power in Jesus to recognize when Satan wants to bring me down and use my authority in Jesus’ blood to resist the devil’s schemes.
I’m good at practicing her little habits such as anointing my dad and I on our drive to work.
I’m good in the sense that I’m relearning how to enjoy time with my friends and doing things I enjoy without guilt.
Though I’m doing “good” I still have my moments on this lifelong journey. A song, a flashback, a sudden feeling of heaviness that comes from missing her and the tears come. I’ve become good at accepting I will have these moments, but I do not have to stay there. I press on because I’ve learned I am a conqueror in the Lord. He alone is my strength and comfort. It is because of my mighty, comforting Lord that I can say “I’m good.”
Continue to find your strength in Him as He carries you through whatever you may be grieving (a loved one, a relationship, whatever it is). Believe me, I know it sounds easier said than done (and you wouldn’t want to hear this from anyone who has never experienced it. I know I didn’t… I rolled my eyes and argued so many times) BUT He is carrying you and He will give you joy. He will. In the littlest things you will crack a smile. You’ll remember with a smile and tears at the same time.
In closing I just want to say I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this because my passion is to bring hope to the hurting and for God to use me for His glory in a big way. The pain sucks and makes life seem so confusing. God won’t ever leave you through your trials through. He’s there during the good and bad waiting for you to invite you into what you see as your mess. Once you invite Him in you will see changes within you, maybe not at a speed you would like but one day you'll notice and realize it's all God.