It took me a while. Hurt became a hindrance. I’m not the same Elizabeth I was 2 years ago, but I’m also not the same Elizabeth I was 2 months ago. I probably won’t be the same Elizabeth in January either. God is working within me each and every day.
It took me about 2 years. I think that making all of these grown up or life decisions were prolonged because deep down I knew I didn't want to feel the hurt that comes with the joy in moving forward. I was thinking today why it has taken me so long to make some of the decisions I’ve made lately. Why has it taken me so long to move forward? I realized it hurts. It hurts moving forward without my mom because it is bittersweet. I also realized things needed to happen in order for me to make the right decisions for my life. If I didn’t go through a growing pain this year I wouldn’t have made my decision to change majors. The person who has to be happy with me and my decisions at the end of the day is me. I’m grateful for my friendships because my friends helped me realize I shouldn’t settle for something just because it made sense or its rational. I shouldn’t settle because it makes sense to another person if its not my passion. I’m finally moving forward in my life and getting on the right path to make the best of my life. I’m excited for my future.
I haven’t been excited for my future in a long time. Once my mom passed away I lost all excitement. I lost excitement in thinking of the perfect wedding day every girl dreams of and my other dreams. Maybe it’s because I was so focused on surviving each day with what each day held for me. I was too focused on surviving the hurt of each day instead of looking for the opportunity for happiness in each day. I was focused on the now and present because I have learned that life is so short and precious. I’ve learned that you need to tell the ones you love that you love them and that you apologize for stupid arguments because they’re just not worth it. So, yes, living in the now is important but as I’m making progress for my future I’ve learned those steps are also important. When you lose someone, you’re trying to cope with your hurt and survive.
I’ve also learned that hurting people, they hurt people. I’m so sorry to the ones I’ve hurt. It takes patience to deal with someone who is hurting. Hurting people don’t like the person they’ve become sometimes. I let the hurt affect my life so much sometimes that I need big wake up calls. But, allow me to let you in on a little secret. Jesus is with you while you’re hurting. He never left you, it can feel like it, but I promise you He’s there. Someone never let me give up on God no matter how angry I was at Him because He didn’t heal my mom. Cling to Jesus and He will cling to you.
I remember hearing a testimony of healing at church and I was so upset. (Pretty sure it was in December 2016 That’s how profound these memories are in my mind.) “Lizzie, when are you going to be able to be happy to hear someone else’s healing story?” (This person said something of the sort.) But still a year after my mom passed I couldn’t help but think “Why couldn’t that be my mom? Why couldn’t her story be the one to bring glory to God?”
The lesson I’ve learned lately is that her story can STILL bring glory to God. My mom was faithful to her last breath believing God for healing. (Which as you can understand is why I was so angry.) Her story still glorifies God because as long as I’m on this earth a piece of her lives on through me. A piece of her faith that equipped my belief lives on through me. The story of a woman of faith, the story of a woman who loved God more than anything, the story of a woman who prayed over and for her daughter and husband lives on through me. Her story on earth ending soon brought hurt into my life, but you see, that is where my story begins. That is where my life lessons began. This is where I learned to claim my faith as my own, not passed down faith. No, the faith I have is my own. It hurt to pray, I prayed through tears because it hurt so much to pray. I had to pray through the tears. To be transparent I still have to pray through the tears. The tears may not always be about my mom, sometimes they’re about growing pain, but, yes, mostly my mom. I’ve become a really emotional person. I’ve become a stronger person. Some days I can now tell you her story without breaking down. I have my good days and my bad days.
Now, I’ve kind of dragged on, but my point is hurt, and the fear of hurting can keep you in one spot for far too long. I didn’t want to take steps forward because I was hurting. I didn’t want to take steps forward because it was another change. I didn’t want to move forward because it hurts when the change makes me happy and I’m happy without being able to share it with her.
It hurts, but I don’t want hurt to hold me back from God’s calling on my life. I don’t want ANYTHING to hold me back from God’s calling on my life. Hurt is a hindrance if you allow it to linger and try to heal with it on your own, but if you give it to God He will use it for your good. He has used my hurt to develop me into the woman I am becoming. I know He is going to work all things out for my good.
If you’re hurting allow me to pray with you as I include myself in this prayer as well:
Lord, thank you for being near to the broken- hearted. Thank you for being a healer of the hurting. Remind us that your ways are above ours even when they don’t make sense to our human minds. Help us navigate through the hurt and find ourselves in your loving arms. Help us to remember despite the hurt we live for you. Show your glory as you restore every piece of our broken hearts. In Jesus’ mighty, powerful name we pray, Amen.