Long Beach, CA, USA

©2017 ENDURING BY GRACE

Bittersweet

November 6, 2017


This year has been filled with so many bittersweet moments. I think as the holiday and baking season approaches, I'm starting to miss my mom a little bit more. My emotions are totally on the rise and I appreciate those in my life that tolerate me and help me deal with them.
I started up classes again in January to finally work my way towards a degree. I proved to myself that I had the ability to excel in those classes. I went through and I am continuing in growing from a growing pain. (Growing pains suck, but they're worth it if you get the lesson. Even if you wish you learned the lesson beforehand to avoid the growing pain to begin with. Anyway..) I finally got my license in July.  This month I'm on my way towards getting classes in the major of my dreams and pinpointed what I want from my life. I'm super excited about my future now because of this, but it's the dream I wanted to pursue while my mom was still here. She told me I could be whoever I wanted to be and believed in me and now I know who I want to be. I know who I want to be and I can't share that person I'm becoming with my mom. It's bittersweet. I'm walking with God and allowing Him to direct my steps, but there's still faint pain behind my joy in this season. 

I'm so grateful that I know what I want out of my life now, but the one person who would be even more excited about it than I am, would be my mom. After I excelled in my first subterm I looked up and said "I did it, mom" and in my head I heard "I knew you could, babygirl" and then I cried. I've realized I have a lot of bitter sweet moments in the future. I mean I have my dad, my nanas, friends, family, and a "stunt double" mom figure that walks with me in life and I can share my happy moments with.  I love each and every single one of these people, but no one takes the place of my mom, hearing her voice, and her praying with and for me.  Those little moments are the ones I miss the most. "Come here so I can anoint you" and she would anoint me as I'm rolling my eyes trying to walk out of the house. Now, I find myself anointing my wrist on my tetelestai cross tattoo praying for a peaceful day reminding myself, God has carried me this far, He will continue to carry me the rest of my days. It is finished.
It's also really bittersweet when I catch myself doing things she would do as I'm becoming a lot like her. I picked up her good qualities and I'm learning from her imperfections. I realize how much I'm becoming like my mom. When I had a day off from work and said to myself "Good, today I can get my laundry and some housework done while I put on TBN (Christian channel) or catch up on my Joyce Meyer program." That's when I stopped and realized I am sooo much like my mom. My mannerisms, my faith (that is growing and growing praise God), and the things I enjoy. She used to keep TBN on throughout the day to have God's Word flow through the house, now before I head to work I leave TBN on either in the living room or my room to have His Word fill the atmosphere; and for my kitty. Even though I'm like my mom in a lot of ways, I'm also completely different and it's really interesting to see. It's bittersweet to realize these things, but I'm so blessed that my mom was (is) a good role model for me.
I'm glad I picked up her faith habits and I'm developing my own on my journey because  God is the only one who can hold me together. I'm learning that lesson through my growing pains. His joy that pursues me in these times is what holds me together.
In these bittersweet moments I seek prayer and God's Word. I hold on to His promises. I rejoice because I know this life on earth is not then end and one day I will get to praise Jesus in heaven alongside my mom. I wear her wedding band and another ring of hers to remind me that she's in a sense still on this journey with me. On warmer days I lotion up my anchor mom tattoo and feel as if I could conquer the world.
I "bake with my guardian angel" continuing what we enjoyed to do. I remind myself I need to live my life with purpose, so that her purpose of raising me into the woman I am and the woman I am continuing to grow into is not in vain. God blessed me with her as my mom for a reason. She may have left this earth earlier than I would have liked her too, but I'm growing as a person. This is all just very bittersweet. 
I'm putting things in perspective to live on purpose because I am God's daughter and He created me on purpose for His purpose. I trust that He will carry me through all of my life's bittersweet moments.

God is faithful in all things, even the bittersweet.

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