Long Beach, CA, USA

©2017 ENDURING BY GRACE

Life Without Her is Hard

June 5, 2016

Life is hard. I thought life was already pretty rough, but life without my mom has been the hardest thing. Daily activities aren't as easy as they should be; I miss her in the little things. Last night before bed I broke down because I missed her saying "goodnight, love you!". The little things are what matter the most. I started singing something out of nowhere that came to my mind and I began to cry ( I wrote it down and turned it into a song) because I get these feelings where life just does not feel real and I realized that what was once my reality is now only a fantasy. I'll be sure to post what I wrote soon. May was a really hard month for me. May 5th was my 21st birthday and the first birthday without my mom; I wanted to curl in my blankets and hibernate that week. On May 7th I had an encounter that made me realize how losing my mom has taken a toll on my mental health to where i begin to feel anxieties about certain things. May 8th was the first Mother's Day without my mom as well.. That week was so overwhelming for me. I'm so glad I'm surrounded by people who love me though. I work at a tackle shop and on mother's day a friend of the shop came by to visit with one of his daughters ( my littlest best friend I call her) and she gave me a card with flowers. The card read "Thinking of you today, I hope my flowers make you smile. I'm sorry your mom can't be here, but I'm sure she's looking down on you. Hope you like the flowers." I cried so hard! That made my day. Let's see after Mother's Day and that whole week nothing much happened I was just pretty much mentally drained. One particular day either last week or the week before I was feeling really tired, mentally exhausted, and grouchy to where I just wanted to go to bed at the end of the night, well that evening I had a dream of my mom. We were laying on my parents' bed, she was laying over my knees, ( she appeared younger as well) and I was crying. I remember her saying something along the lines of questioning why I was so stressed/ worried and she was just gazing at me,{Side note: in the dream i felt a pressure on my bed, but what sucks is I have a puppy and a cat so I,m not sure if it was them or her saying "hey, I'm here"} That dream made me realize that a mother's love really is forever and the duty of a mom never ends, even while she's not on earth. She was comforting me in my dreams and it also helped to remind me that she is always there and that she is very well alive in Christ. Life is very much hard without my mom and I have mixed feelings about a lot of things in life now. I try to stay encouraged by God giving me strength to endure each day especially on the ones I want to hide away in my room. It's hard, but God is with His children through all of life's ups and downs. Thank you for reading. Blessings.<3

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