The title says it all, I thought I was okay. I thought I was getting better with my mind and healing process. Sunday(December 4th), at church I saw an image that brought the visual of my mom in ICU, except the person in the image survived and lived to tell his story. I felt the hurt, confusion, and anger all over again and made it hard for me to proceed to worship. The questions: 'Why did this person get to live to tell his story and my mom deprived of that?" "Why were his family's prayers answered, while mine were not?" The thought: "I would love for my mom to be here with a missing limb, instead of missing her entirely." The bitterness I felt. The urge to be disobedient to God and not worship Him during service, which I admit I partially gave into; I had a mental battle right there in church. I battled within my mind to either do what I know Satan wanted me to do which was to do nothing, not praise and worship God in His holy place while in my heart I knew I needed to praise God despite how I felt in the moment. I had failed in that moment and allowed how I felt and all of my feelings dictate my actions instead of following the part of my heart that is after God. I allowed my flesh to win this battle by halfheartedly singing/ praising during worship. I truly thought I was making progress until the visual brought back my personal visual of how I last saw my mom in the hospital and all of the feelings that come along with it. Everything I had been trying to move forward from were dug up where my inner self had buried these things.
Friday( December 9th) I woke up from a dream I had about my mom. Early in this dream I had dreamt of her going back to a hospital and my response towards this was anger which I think came from the fact her going to the hospital(s) led up to her passing from the first hospital that was helpless to the second hospital doing everything they could to save her. Part of me still holds a lot of anger towards that first hospital and I also wish that there was so much more that I could have done. The second part of that dream I was very upset about something and went in the back room of our house where I was sitting on the floor when my mom came to tell me she needed to leave to go to the hospital and though I didn't want her to she insisted on doing so. She had told me that her being the way she was, was too much for me to handle when I then replied that not having her is too much for me to handle. She then left and that concluded my dream.
Looking back on this occurance and dream I gather that deep down I still hold a lot of anger, whether I'm angry at God or simply the situation that I'm in. The part where I told my mom her leaving me would be too much for me to handle instead of her saying her condition was too much for me to handle really stuck with me these past couple of days. I would like to think I would have been able to handle any condition she was in and be superwoman and take care of her, to get through the situation no matter what. Part of me ponders that maybe mom knew best and thought I could hanndle this whole not having her here thing which honestly, some days I do horribly because I get stuck. I wonder if she felt her condition would be too much and sought this as opportunity to be free and be with God and maybe watch over our family as well. Maybe she wanted me to be free from the responsibility of being superwoman for her and live my life for me, I don't know. I have so many open ended questions that I may never have answers to in this lifetime. One thing I do know is that I still have a whole lot of growing to do, anger to release, and hurt to heal from. This whole thing is such a process and I thought I was getting better at it. I needa whole lot of Jesus in my life to overcome this.
I need to trust God a little more and mend my heart with His a bit better. To any whom reads this post please keep me in your prayers that I may be able to fully trust God again and my faith be fully restored and continue to renew strengthen with each day.