Long Beach, CA, USA

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I Still Need Her Sometimes

October 20, 2016

I often feel like I still need my mom, I think many who've lost their mom can relate. Last night I began tearing up because I had these emotions where I wish she was still here to give me advice or just to comfort me and physically be with me in that moment. I feel as if I still need her because I often wonder what would be the advice she'd give me besides "pray about it" which in all honesty is still hard for me to do on most days. I feel I need her because I feel lost in a way as if I'm finding out who I really am and who I really want to be or rather I feel as if God wants to continue to grow and mold me into the person he designed me to be everyday. I wish she was still here to help me on my journey. I know I have others in my life to help me and guide me, but its not the one person I want. I want her to help me make the right decisions, the godly decisions. My dad tells me to do what makes me happy, I guess I'm left questioning what that is and figuring out how on earth I'm supposed to get there. [I mean I enjoy writing about these that I relate to and such so that's as start.] I miss her encouragement and her faithfulness that God will get me where I'm supposed to be, that I would sadly roll my eyes to in return. I need my mommy still!
I sometimes feel abandoned, as if God took her away from me which in return left me to "grow up" overnight. I'm only 21, I don't think I should feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis already. Though, I feel like this, it's still part of the battle I fight in my mind of questioning why and needing her. Last night I had to remind myself I need JESUS. Jesus will be all that I need Him to be in my life. He is sufficient. God didn't take her away from me, He had other plans for me(really, really difficult plans) that continue to make me grow as a person each day. I'm not the person I was a year ago, in some ways that's a good thing and in other ways I need to improve. I am far from perfect which is most likely why God is tugging at my heart and using little things each day to tell me: 'Hey, you have some more growing to do, but you have me to help you endure these growing pains.' Jesus isn't going to leave me, neither will He leave you. I find this is a matter of reminding ourselves each day (or every hour) that Jesus is with us. Jesus is the one we truly need. Yes, at moments I feel I need (or want) my mom, but Jesus can do more for me than she could have ever done. She prayed for my health ( and I think the person I am supposed to become) before I was born and I choose to believe this is because she knew only God can care for me for the rest of my life. [Heck, she was electrocuted while I was in her womb and God allowed me to turn out fine. I think.]
I need Jesus! These growing pains are kicking my butt because I feel like I'm destined or great things, for ministry, but I'm not sure when to start or how to tell for sure it's God's calling for my life. I think I may be getting somewhere close to that point. My mom knew Jesus is the ultimate source of strength and everyday He makes this clear to me.

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